


Just For Myself

by Romennim



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-27
Updated: 2013-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-27 04:56:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/658231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romennim/pseuds/Romennim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This... This... Let me have this, just for myself, please?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just For Myself

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Italiano available: [Solo Per Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/658250) by [Romennim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romennim/pseuds/Romennim)



> **Beta:**[](http://inspired-being.livejournal.com/profile)[ **inspired_being**](http://inspired-being.livejournal.com/) 

To some measure, you decided a long time ago that your relationship would not, in actuality, become intimate. This was somewhat because you never actually talked about it; it was almost an unconscious decision on both your parts.

You would share a touch — a hand onto an arm to stop the other, a fleeting touch to make sure the other was alright, a clasp on a shoulder to give support — then a meaningful look full of understanding, of longing, and both of you would stop in that moment before putting distance between you, almost simultaneously.

It was almost ironic, if you thought about it. The two of you could bicker and fight and never agree through the spoken word, yet you could share the same opinion on a matter you never talked – therefore never fought - about.

This way, you never knew precisely what Arthur's reasoning was and, at first, you weren't entirely sure about _your_ own reasoning. It became clear to you one day while you assisted, in the background of course, in a talk between Uther and Arthur.

It was more like a clashing of wills than a talk, but Arthur never really shouted or was insulting towards his father, his king; even if his opinion on the matter would seem logical to anyone else. The matter was simple: Uther wanted to arrange Arthur's marriage and Arthur was refusing, presenting arguments against the proposal, each more reasonable than the one previous.

You didn't really want to listen because, deep down, you knew why Arthur didn't want the marriage and that it had nothing to do with the reasonable arguments he was putting forth. It was then that you recognized with clarity why you could not let yourself give in to you feelings: Arthur would never be totally yours. There would always be a part of him that was owned by his kingdom — not that Arthur hadn’t agree to this, on the contrary, he had accepted his future kingdom with all the responsibilities it comprised — and one day – maybe not in that moment, maybe not in the next year or in the ones after, but one day for sure — that part would demand all of Arthur and you would be left with nothing but an overwhelming pain and bitter-sweet memories.

In that moment, you also understood how cowardly and selfish you could be: you wouldn't give yourself - or Arthur - any way to convince you to try and live your emotions because you knew they would eventually have to be put aside.

You didn't – don't – think you could go on living in that scenario. You couldn't grasp the full concept then and you can't now. You couldn't put yourself through that and survive and so you won't.

Arthur must have sensed something changed that day because his touches became somewhat more hesitant than before, and even if the arranged marriage didn't come to pass, things never really got back to how they were before. Something was definitely broken and there was so, so much hurting. For the amount of pleasure you both got from your respective company, there was always a lingering pain in every look, in every smile. And that pain just got bigger every day, with every moment that your emotions were denied.

\---

The world began to seem unbearable and you began to think that maybe it would have been better if you didn't feel anything for each other anymore. As soon as the thought was formed in your head, you knew of a way, at least, to change Arthur's feelings. You could reveal your magic. But that would be risking so much. You couldn't risk being sent away because, no matter how selfish you were, you couldn't risk the life of the person you were loyal to, the person you loved. So that option was out.

Another option could have been magic itself. You could use it to erase Arthur's feelings; to make him forget them. At first, you rejected the option because you couldn't be this dishonest to Arthur, but one night you forced yourself to recognize the real reason: you weren't ready - you didn't want - to let go of Arthur yet. Even if you couldn't have him, you didn't want to give someone else the chance of having him. You just couldn't. And in that moment you felt even more cowardly and selfish than before. Was there no limit to your selfishness?

Then something happened that changed everything. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary really. Arthur was hurt again. You were fast enough to save him from death, but not fast enough to stop the blow a blast of magic gave him. He stayed in a coma for a few days, during which you spent all of your time in his room tending to him and sleeping on a chair beside his bed, worrying yourself sick that your destiny was never going to open his eyes again. In those moments of total despair, you began to think; to hell all of your insecurities, just give yourself over to the feeling that was, by then, almost seizing in your chest.

But when Arthur finally opened his eyes and he set his gaze upon you, you were caught again by your fears, your need to protect yourself.

Arthur was looking at you, with an expression shifting between confusion and something you couldn't name.

You went near to him and were just beginning to ask him how he felt, when a hand shot up from the bed, grabbed you and pulled. You found yourself lying on Arthur, his face millimeters from yours. Arthur didn't wait for you to recover, just kissed you.

Saying you were shocked would be an understatement and while your head was telling you quite clearly to pull away, your heart felt like it was in paradise. So you closed your eyes and enjoyed that bit of heaven, knowing it probably would be the first and the last.

After what felt like an eternity (merely a few seconds), Arthur pulled away and looked at you intensely as he searched your face for something. You began to pull away, to again place distance between the two of you, but Arthur stopped you and all you could do was stare at him. The intensity of the blue in his eyes was hypnotic.

“Merlin, please...” his voice sounded hurt, almost broken. It wasn't right, it wasn't like Arthur.

You just waited for him to continue, already preparing yourself for the battle ahead.

“This... This... Let me have this, just for myself, please?”

The begging wasn't right, and everything else was wrong too. It wasn't fair that the two of you were in this situation, with the future looming over you both. But how could you really have the heart to deny Arthur — not the Prince, not the future King, just Arthur — _this_?

You just couldn't.

And to convey all this to him, you kissed him fervently and desperately, hoping he would never let you go.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on January 13th, 2011


End file.
